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Dropping the fourth token into the slot, I slammed the play button, and smacked the familiar ball into play, clicks and buzzes loud around me, my body lit dimly by the pinball lights. Inevitably the first ball fell between the flippers and into the drain. I stopped and took a step back from the flashing machine, crossed my arms at my waist, and with a mixture of anticipation and disappointment, I pulled my t-shirt over my head, the cool air a relief in the warm room, my nearly bare chest both embarrassing and exciting. But mostly exciting.Stepping up to the device again, I loaded another ball, and gave it my best. It didn't last long. I had to remove another item, and chose my skirt. Denim fell to the floor, and I kicked it away, tossing my shoes at the same time. I was down to bra and panties now, a matching set of pale orange.Somehow standing in your lingerie, in a dark video arcade improves your play, and the next ball lasted a long time, my body swaying gently as I played like a. I lay there with my eyes open. Eventually I heard keys in the front door, saw the light as it opened. Sasha came into the dark bedroom. He stood above me, silently looking at me for a moment. ‘Hey, how are you?’ he whispered. ‘I don’t know.’ He sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on me. ‘What did you do tonight?’ ‘Not much.’ ‘Are you feeling OK?’ I didn’t answer. He didn’t ask again. He got undressed and came into bed with me. He lay close, but didn’t try to embrace me. I was relieved. It occurred to me at last why I felt so ambiguous towards him. I didn’t want his pity. I didn’t deserve it. Long after Sasha’s breathing told me he was asleep, I lay in the same position, eyes open, looking at the street light outside the bedroom window. The thoughts I had been avoiding kept trying to sneak into my head, I had become too tired to fight them off now. The strongest one, the one I dreaded dealing with the most, finally pushed its way up front. I couldn’t ignore it any longer..
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